Everyday life can be quite hectic and stressful. So, you need to find ways to relieve that stress and feel nice. In fact, introducing humor into your life means that you’ll find it easier to deal with things. Moreover, humor, such as funny quotes, can help you socialize easier and are an excellent conversation starter.
Thus, whether you want to break the ice with new people or are just looking for ways to reduce stress, check the following funny quotes which will make you roll on the floor laughing. We guarantee that these are the best funny quotes that will put a smile on your face and boost your mood.
Funny Quotes and Sayings:
- ‘If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.’
- ‘Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.’
- ‘When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.’
- ‘Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.’
- ‘A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’‘
- ‘I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.’
- ‘They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.’
- ‘Everyday, thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat Bacon.’
- ‘I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.’
- ‘Talkers are usually more articulate than doers since talk is their specialty.’
- ‘First God created man, then he had a better idea …’
- ‘A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’‘
- ‘I just cleaned everything from top to bottom, so now I’m gonna need everyone to stop living here.’
- ‘Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’’
- ‘I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.’
- ‘Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.’
- ‘Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.’
- ‘If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?’
- ‘I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all I could think was ‘I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.’
- ‘If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.’
- ‘A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.’
- ‘Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.’
- ‘War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.’
- ‘Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.’
- ‘It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.’
- ‘You can’t cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water.’
- ‘I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.’
- ‘I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.’
- ‘My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch … I call it lunch.’
- ‘My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.’
- ‘It sure is strange that after Tuesday the rest of the week spells WTF.’
- ‘To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.’ ‘It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.’
- ‘I am not lazy I am on energy saving mode.’
- ‘I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.’
- ‘The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.’
- ‘I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.’
- ‘At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.’
- ‘Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.’
- ‘Farts are like children, I’m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.’
- ‘Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?’
- ‘You know the funny thing, I don’t get along with rich people. I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.’
- ‘Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!’
- ‘The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.’
- ‘I can be dramatic. I can be funny. I can be sexy. I can be sad. I can be glad.’
- ‘Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.’
- ‘I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.’
- ‘If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.’
- ‘A business like an automobile, has to be driven, in order to get results.’
- ‘A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.’
- ‘A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.’
- ‘From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.’
- ‘Inside me, there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.’
- ‘You call it ‘nagging’. I call it, ‘Listen to what I f**king said the first time.’
- ‘It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.’
- ‘We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.’
- ‘Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.’
- ‘As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.’
- ‘Yes, I know there is a really special place in Hell for me. It is called the throne.’
- ‘But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.’
- ‘Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.’
- ‘Life Status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.’
- ‘If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room.’
- ‘It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.’
- ‘The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won’t get much sleep.’
- ‘Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.’
- ‘I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.’
- ‘I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.’
- ‘Never do the same mistake twice. Unless he’s hot.’
- ‘My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.’
- ‘I am not an early bird or night owl. I am some form of a permanently exhausted pigeon.’
- ‘All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.’
- ‘Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.’
- ‘My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.’
Img Source: travelandleisure.com - ‘Always be yourself, unless you can be Beyonce then always be Beyonce.’
- ‘He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.’
- ‘Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.’
- ‘If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.’
- ‘When life shuts a door … open it again. It’s a door. That’s how they work.’
- ‘It’s a beautiful day, I think I’ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.’
- ‘If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.’
- ‘The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.’
- ‘The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.’
- ‘A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.’
- ‘Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people’s vacations was considered a punishment.’
- ‘I thought I was in a bad mood but it’s been a few years so I guess this is who I am now.’
- ‘Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.’
- ‘There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.’
- ‘I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.’
- ‘I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe it when I was a hamster.’
- ‘Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams.’
- ‘Leave something for someone but don’t leave someone for something.’
- ‘It’s that time of year where girls look really cute and fashionable in their flannel and I look like I’ve misplaced my ax.’
- ‘I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.’
- ‘Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.’
- ‘I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.’
- ‘I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said I gotta use that one.’
- ‘Never have more children than you have car windows.’
- ‘You smell like hidden motives, get away from me.’
- ‘I drink to make other people more interesting.’
- ‘You can’t shine like a diamond if you not willing to get cut like a diamond!’
- ‘I try not to laugh at my own jokes but we all know I’m hilarious.’
- ‘Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art.’
- ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself. The mom in E.T. had an alien living in her house for days and she never even noticed.’
- ‘You’re only as good as your last haircut.’
- ‘I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.’
- ‘Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.’
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